I haven’t posted in a while. Because I’m scared whatever I post won’t be good enough. I’m scared it won’t live up to the stuff I’ve written previously. I’m scared I’ll somehow let down people’s expectations of me. More than anything these fears are just projections of my own anxiety. So let’s challenge that, shall we?
The way you deal with anxiety is to do the things that scare you. Basically. Challenge the anxiety and prove to yourself that you’ll be fine and whatever it is that you’re scared of, it’ll almost always be much worse in your head. So now I’m gonna write a post and not be too concerned about the length of it, or if the language sounds smart and colorful. The people I’m hoping to reel in on this blog aren’t scholars or whoever it is my mind tells me I need to impress. I just want to connect a bit with other people struggling with mental illness of some kind (or people who just find my life interesting I guess, hi mom!).
I’ve not been feeling very well lately. I’m working really hard with a new therapist I’ve been seeing, and I feel like I’m doing so well. But for some reason my mood isn’t getting better, my entire body hurts constantly, and I somehow feel like I’m having a light, constant panic attack. So… not feeling great. It does worry me how I feel myself slipping away from my arts, not feeling like singing, painting or writing. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this blog post right now? Trying to force my creative juices to get flowing a little, whether they want to or not.
I hardly have any appetite, everything just makes me slightly nauseous. I guess I’m just still a lot more depressed than I give myself credit for (or however you want to put it). I have no energy, feel like I could sleep 18 hours a day if I let myself, no appetite, no particular want to create stuff or do anything ‘fun’ really. Medicine is not working on me.
It’s frustrating when you feel like you’re trying your hardest and doing the best you can and… not really getting much in return. Maybe I need to feel worse for a while while I’m challenging my anxieties and slowly reprogramming the way my brain operates. Who knows. Let’s hope things start looking up for me soon.
What exactly was the point or the moral of this post? Who knows. Who cares. Well… I do, but I’m trying to care a little less.